The End?

I haven't written because I couldn't bring myself to. But at some point, I have to face reality.

Thursday night I couldn't even stand on my right leg. So I made a doctor's appointment. They did an exam and took an x-ray, but saw nothing, so they put me on crutches and made me an appointment with Sports Medicine on Monday. They sent me to do an MRI at 6:00 a.m. on Tuesday morning. Then they called me later that day and simply said I had a stress fracture in my hip, I need to stay off it completely, no running, no swimming, no yoga, no anything. Crutches 1 - 3 months.

I don't even know anything about the fracture. Where is it? How serious is it? What can I do to help it heal faster? I was so overwhelmed I couldn't even think of the questions I should ask.

I have cried so many tears over this. I registered and paid for 5 races, and I can't run them. That's so much money lost (that could have gone towards paying for those x-rays and that MRI). So many medals I'll never have, so many PRs I'll never set. And I'm alone--family and boyfriend far away, no roommates--it's really hard to figure out what to do about cooking and cleaning and getting groceries. And working? How am I supposed to do my job on crutches? I'm so stressed trying to figure all this out, but my method of stress relief has been taken away. And the person who I would normally turn to for support, the person who would most understand... well... that's also not an option anymore. What started out as an exciting and promising season has ended in massive heart break.

I can't think of anything else to say. I guess when I know more maybe I'll post an update, but I think this is goodbye for now. Maybe for always. Maybe my days of marathoning are over, before they ever really got started.

Days 106 - 115: Vacation

I said I was taking a vacation from everything, and apparently that really meant everything. Sorry for my disappearance. Now, where to start, where to start--guess I'll just give a brief update by day.

Monday, 8/29: 9 mile run in Lullwater on both the paved and unpaved trails. It was nice to get off the cement for awhile. Had a really strong start, but then some serious tummy troubles, so our time slowed way down and we finished in 1:39:03.

Tuesday, 8/30: 1250 yards at the SAAC pool. I was trying to get some last minute sun in before my trip. The water is getting cold though... probably done swimming for awhile. Also my last dance class for Djenna Djenna. Well, aside from the hours and hours of rehearsals I'll have since I'm doing it for the show. But I don't mind... I LOVE this dance.

Wednesday, 8/31: Nothing. Flew to NJ for a blissfully happy, long overdue reunion with Randy.

Thursday, 9/1: 6 mile run, with Randy joining me for the first 3. (He's all runner-like now with his running shoes and running 3 days a week and post-run smoothie deliciousness. So proud.) He has these really nice "trails" around his apartment complex perfect for runners and walkers, so he showed me the loops he usually runs. Lots of people out... it's good to see the area is so active. Saw some bunnies. :-) Randy's speed has seriously improved, so I finished my 6 in 58 minutes, under the hour mark.

Friday, 9/2: Uh, we're going to pretend that when it comes to training, this day didn't happen. Cuz there was no training going on. There was, however, cake for breakfast, a chili cheese dog for lunch, sunbathing at the beach, and a giant hamburger, tons of peanuts, and ice cream for dinner. All in the name of nostalgia--we were visiting places I used to go when I lived in the area. Totally worth the round belly for the next like 3 days.

Saturday, 9/3: Also rest. Ok, we hadn't seen each other in like 5 months, and it's not like I know the area enough to go find yoga or belly dancing or whatever. I was on vacation. Totally acceptable. Besides, it's a step-back week anyway.

Sunday, 9/4: 10k run, as per the step-back week. Randy ran the first part with me again, then I set off to explore a different trail about a mile from his place. It was pretty and peaceful--ran along a creek and some woods, and at the middle was a giant grassy field with picnic tables. Time was about 1:02. Not great, not bad. But my right hip was a little achy at the end.

Monday, 9/5: Nothing...

Tuesday, 9/6: 3.5 in about 38 minutes. Supposed to be 10. Giant fail on pace and distance. My hip was in excruciating pain. I was actually in tears. I tried to push through it for awhile, but once I hit 3 I knew I was done, so I did some jogging/walking/limping back. I don't know what I did. I don't remember injuring it in any way, and it's supposed to be my good hip. I'm going to try some new shoes, rest, yoga & weights to stretch and strengthen everything, since I've been neglecting that sort of thing lately. Hopefully it'll be better in a few days.

Today: Hot yoga. Supposed to run with Chris, since he's abandoning me this week, but there's no way I was running with my hip in this condition. After yoga, I had about 30 minutes pain free, and now it's more of an ache instead of a stab, so that could be a good sign. Debating what to do next about shoes--go back for more support, or test out this less-is-more theory that's catching like wildfire and try something more minimalist? Maybe I'll go to Big Peach for some advice and opinions tomorrow, but not make any decisions until Friday. I just want to be able to get in my 20 miler, cuz I can't start missing those or I'm doomed for the marathon. Keep your fingers crossed this heals quickly.

Days 99 - 105: Lazy

I think I'm falling off the wagon. I'm just not feeling it lately. My two-a-days are over, and I'm not as motivated to fit workouts in when things get busy. My week this week:

Monday: 6 mile run (it's a step-back week) through Emory campus and Lullwater park. Uneventful. 1:04:00. Other than the awesomeness of an exact time, I have nothing to say about this run. Just getting it done.

Tuesday: My paper got accepted. But there was no celebrating. I had to work on putting together this book chapter so we could submit it Wednesday. But it was too much. So I gave up and went to dance. Worked on the choreography some more and corrected the issues from last week. It's fun, I love it. I'm going to perform it in the fall show.

Wednesday: Nothing. I worked late. After working late Tuesday. I spent a collective 16 hours in two days getting this chapter together. Still not submitted. Too tired to think. Went home and did nothing.

Thursday: 6.25 mile run (I failed at planning the route). 1:04:56. Book chapter finally submitted, so it was a good way to clear all the junk out of my head and wake up my body from sitting hunched in front of a computer for so long. Followed by wine and pizza with some friends to finally do a little celebrating.

Friday: Nothing! Ate tacos and went to watch Decatur High School football game. (Don't ever go to a high school football game when you are over 18, single, and childless. You're not there supporting a child, and you're not there with your high school buddies. And they know this. They're like vultures. And it will just remind you of how much you hated high school...)

Saturday: 18 miles. Finally, a good workout. It was a fantastic long run. We stayed strong all the way through mile 16. I had a pretty exponential crash after that, but we finished in 3:!8:13, which is almost exactly an 11 min/mile average, which is exactly our marathon goal pace. Fantastic. Promptly ruined all benefits of exercise with tacos, margaritas, and cake.

Today: Dance. Last Shake It Like Shakira class. Learned a new move that seriously worked my obliques. I'll be feeling that in the morning. Then hot power yoga. For some reason, my muscles were really tired; I had to take a lot of the easy options, because I physically could not do more. It was weird. But still a good workout and stretch, and it seems to have helped my hip feel a bit less sore.

Anyway, overall, not an impressive week. I think there's just too much right now. The weather is too hot and humid to really enjoy running. I've had a stressful few months with work: an international conference, a committee meeting, and 4 publications since May. Randy being gone doesn't help either; we waited too long to see each other. All this stress... I haven't slept through a night for months. So I'm tired. I just need something to give a little.

Thankfully, all that work stress is over and I can get back to the bench and just keep on keepin' on for awhile, instead of constantly feeling the pressure of looming deadlines. I'm going to see Randy Wednesday. And rehearsals for the belly dance show start soon, so that will be fun and different. I just want to feel motivated again, instead of simply going through the motions. Maybe a race will help too... just over 1 month until Wine & Dine. Anything to help put a spark back in my training. And make me feel less guilty about all the tacos and cake I've been eating...

Days 93 - 98: Carry me

Seriously. Because I can barely hold myself in a sitting position. The end of this week got out of control.

Tuesday I just had dance. Started the choreography, but we had a sub, so really, we'll probably actually start the choreography this week. It looks like the dance has potential though... I hope so because I want to perform it in the Fall Studio Show.

Wednesday... what even happened Wednesday? I don't even know what day of the week it is right now...

Oh yeah! Wednesday we submitted my paper to the actual journal, so now we're just awaiting the final yes or no on acceptance. I hadn't slept in weeks and had been baking a ridiculous amount (I'm like Izzy Stevens... in 4 days I made a lemon poppy seed cake, a cheesecake and banana oatmeal cookies), and I must have looked like crap because my boss told me to take a day off. I had stuff to do, but I went home at 2:30 and having that stupid paper finally out of my hands was such a relief that I slept until dinner. Then I don't remember what happened, but I assume dinner and more sleep. The ultimate rest day.

Thursday the peace at work had worn off (only took about 24 hours), and I left livid. We were supposed to do a 50 minute tempo run, but I was too mentally exhausted to do that much thinking, and WAY to angry to put up with a treadmill. So instead, I dragged Chris through the hilliest 5 mile pace run I could possibly plan. It was good... we kept it right at half marathon pace despite the wicked hills, and I felt a little better after.

Friday I finally decided to give in to my aching hip and sore quads and went to hot yoga, just the regular old Bikram style class. Ah, the healing powers of yoga. I felt a million times better afterward. And I actually had a really great class, considering I hadn't been in awhile. It was perfect. Exactly what I needed.

This weekend at the belly dancing studio was Haflanta! Which is basically a weekend full of workshops on special subjects. And also a ton of dancing. Yesterday we had a 45 minute yoga/stretching warm up followed by 3 classes. The first was an ab workshop, where we learned how to do all kinds of cool ab tricks, and also worked on some basics, like figuring out where our upper, middle, and lower abs are and how to move them each individually. It was exhausting! Woah. But I think I'm getting the hang of stomach rolls both up and down. The flutter though... not so much. The second was an introduction to Persian Bandari dancing, which is really fun and earthy and not quite as formal as traditional belly dancing. The studio owner taught the workshop, and she's super cute. I'm not sure I learned much technique, but we had a good time and a good workout. The last class for Saturday was a veil technique course. I actually hate the veil. I'm not feminine enough to look right doing it. But I have one, so I might as well learn how to use it, right? The instructor was so graceful and feminine, and I just didn't relate to her teaching style, so it was a struggle. But It was a good arm workout, and I learned some new moves I hadn't learned when I took the choreography class.

When I woke up today I knew I was in for trouble because I wasn't sure if I could sit up. That's how sore my abs were. But I manned up and dragged myself to the studio for round two. After the 45 minute yoga/stretch warm up, I was feeling better. The next class, though, which was hip hop belly dance fusion, wrecked me. The instructor for this workshop is by far the best choreography teacher in the studio, and she wasted no time. We learned a bunch of little combos and then put them together into a bigger combo to "Do It Well" by Jennifer Lopez. The combo was actually AWESOME, and I wish they'd make a full choreography. We had a ton of fun, and I think I'm starting to pull off some of those hip hop moves without looking like... well... a white girl from the suburbs. But we were all exhausted. So much dancing. I can't even tell you. It was good that the next workshop was a little slower: the art of Taksim, which is the slower music, no shimmies or shakes allowed. We drilled the basic moves that can be used during these slow sections or songs and then practiced using them. The final workshop was double isolations, which, technically, was a failure. I'm getting good at most of the single isolations. But I cannot hip shimmy and camel at the same time. Or knee shimmy and maya. My body just does not work like that. But the instructor was hilarious and told us just to do our best and have a good time. We learned a fun combo to "Do You Love Me" and laughed a lot. But again, exhausting. It was a fantastic weekend; I could not think of a better way to spend it than dancing with those girls. But my abs and thighs and arms and back are so sore.

This was not helped by the fact that we had a 13 mile run tonight. I was so tired, I knew going in that it was going to be rough, so we just decided to make the most of it. Unfortunately, we got caught in a storm. But once we were soaked, we decided to just keep going, and actually kind of enjoyed it. It was much cooler and less humid, and it was kind of a fun little obstacle course jumping over puddles and whatnot. By the end, though, even the joy of the rain wore off, and I was just done. I got through the whole thing, but I am about at the limit of what my body can do. Dance is really hard... it requires a lot of strength and stamina and really works your muscles. And so much dancing on top of a long run... it's taken its toll. Not that I would have given up any of it. It's totally worth it. Hopefully in a day or two when the pain and swelling subside, I will have some awesome abs!

Days 88 - 92

Cycling once again through the however-many stages of grief, we're back at acceptance. It's hot and humid and our schedule is erratic right now and I need 1000x the normal human amount of iron. It is what it is.

With this in mind, Thursday's pace run was slightly less depressing than the rest of the week's runs. We did 5 miles at a 9:59 pace, which is basically the EXACT pace we want for the half marathon (we're hoping for 10 min miles). So I can't complain, mission accomplished. We ran at race pace and got through the whole distance.

Friday I just wanted to do something, and I hadn't been to the pool in FOREVER, so I joined my coworker at the pool for a quick swim. Sadly, I found out that my "mile" swims were only half miles... sigh. Armed with the correct dimensions (people who design pools apparently don't know the rule that you need to measure in the same units, since our pool is 50 meters x 25 yards. Fail.) and some shiny new math skills, I swam a half mile, flip turns and everything!

Due to Chris' busy social schedule, we couldn't run Saturday morning. So I went back to the pool. I decided I was going to go for a full mile. I mean, why not? It's only 36 laps, and I'd done 25 once... Mistake. I destroyed the first half mile, but after that 25th lap, I was struggling. I'm too stubborn to give up though, so I did it. Took me about 45 minutes. I was TIRED. Oh my gosh, who knew swimming makes you THAT tired? Now that I've done it once, though, I totally have to do it again.

Sunday morning we did our long run. 17 miles in 3:04. Still seeing improvement in our strength and endurance on these runs, which is excellent--we can run a little farther and a little faster every time before we hit that barely-dragging-our-feet stage. It's good have physical verification that your training is working.

Unfortunately, Sunday morning runs are followed by dance right now. Let me just tell you, there was no Shakin' it like Shakira for me after that 17 mile run. Of course, our normal teacher was out of town, and our sub was this fiery little dancer that worked us extra hard. Excellent. But she was hilarious and the class was fun and we learned a cute little combo. It was just a bigger struggle than usual.

I paid for this weekend today. My quads were super sore all day, and then we had our 9 mile run. You might as well move me into the nursing home now. Started out ok, but by the half way point I was sort of limp-running (lunning? rimping?)... I probably looked hilarious. (Or pathetic...) The ankle I sprained in Switzerland is swollen (although not painful, which is weird), my bum hip is protesting, and my quads might spontaneously combust every time I try to stand up, sit down, or walk up a stair. (Side note: Google does not recognize "combust" as a word. What?) What's even more fun is... if we're going to do the Goofy, this is what I have to look forward to every week between the end of October and January. Seriously... they are preparing my room in the geriatric unit right now...

Days 82 - 87: Feud

I haven't been posting because I hate running. Seriously, we might have to break up or something... it's becoming an abusive relationship.

Friday and Saturday I did nothing. Sort of. I had a friend in town, and we did a lot of touristy things, so we walked around downtown a lot and climbed a (sort of) mountain. But we'll say they were rest days. Since it's an easy week, they were supposed to be rest days anyway.

Sunday called for a 10k. Which sucked. Ok, it wasn't THAT bad, but it wasn't great: 1:02:27. I think I felt slower than I actually ran, partly because it was grossly humid and I felt like I was swimming, not running.

Since our schedule is all crazy now, we had an 8 miler Monday. That run was even worse. The worst kind of run. It was SO. FREAKIN. HOT. And humid. And I was tired, and hungry, and apparently dehydrated, since I actually stopped sweating midrun. Final time 1:29:53. I should be better than that. Two bad runs in a row... I was nearly at my breaking point.

Thankfully Tuesday was full of belly dancing, which usually improves my mood. Finished the choreography for the African drum solo--super cute and fun; another class I'm sad is over. I have to back off on the classes--no money, need to try to catch up. Hopefully I can pick up again in a few months. Until then I guess I'll just have to dance in my living room. On the bright side, that might help me get back at my obnoxious neighbors...

Today I was indecisive about what my cross training workout should be, but ended up going to a hot power yoga class. I haven't been to yoga in forever, it seems like. It was good to be back, although it was one tough workout. I was going to swim after, too, but I was exhausted, so I just came home and watched Grey's Anatomy instead. Fail.

I'm a little worried. I am reaching a level of exhaustion that even coffee cannot conquer, and my running times are dropping. Stress and heat and humidity? Or iron issues again? I really don't think I can go through that mess all over again. I've been choking down red meat a couple times a week to try to compensate. I don't want to choose between running and red blood cells. Why can't I just be a normal person and have both?

Dreading tomorrow's run...

Days 79 - 81: Redemption

Workouts improved as the week went on.

Tuesday I had two dance classes: African drum solo, where we worked more on the choreography, and Djenna Djenna, where we drilled a lot of moves. My whole body hurt by the end. But... between classes the instructor came up to me and said she could tell I've been practicing really hard and coming to a lot of classes, because she can see that I've really improved. How's that for a confidence boost? So happy.

Wednesday I had another dance class; we finished the choreography to Blockhead. I'm really sad this class is over. The dance is so sassy and fun and different from any other dance I've done. No more classes on Wednesdays for awhile... I have to cut back on classes to save money. Sad :-( I'll just have to practice in my living room I guess. Maybe I can still devote 8:00 - 9:00 on Wednesdays to dance... just in my apartment instead of in the studio.

I call today's run "Redemption Run," brought to you by Cake and Anger. I'm angry about a lot of things right now, and that is, in fact, why I run, because apparently you're not allowed to cry or yell or have temper tantrums when you're an adult, and I'm a huge push over so I also can't ever tell people how angry I am. So it just all bottles up, and today I was good and mad, and I blew through that first mile like a thoroughbred at the derby. Anger and stress are also, ironically, why I bake... baking is quiet and pretty and focusing so hard on making a perfect pastry takes my mind off the rest of life. I made a cake last night, and enjoyed a guilt free piece last night and another today at work. And my cake and anger fueled run was fantastic. 55:37. Take that, Monday run.

That is all. I might go eat more cake.